Posted in Humor, life

Weird and Wonderful Gifts for the Lefty in Your Life

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August 13 is International Left Hander’s Day. In my shameless attempt to always get free things, I’ve put together a handy little guide of gift ideas for your favorite lefty…

Screenshot of Ned Flander's store the Leftorium from the Simpsons TV show
If this store was real, then this post wouldn’t have to exist.

Left Handed Ballpoint Pens

These are angled and supposed to eliminate that annoying smearing and hand staining that a lot of pens cause. Let’s hear it for clean hands!

A notebook for lefties!

No more getting ridges on your hand/arm from the spiral of traditional notebooks. Between this and the pens, writing may actually be comfortable again!

Majestic Unicorn T-Shirt

I always knew that I was a majestic unicorn, and this shirt confirms it…

Left Handed Scissors

I’m going to be honest – unless I try these out, I’m not sure how they’ll differ from regular scissors. Then again, my brain is tired, so I could be missing something completely obvious here!

Left Handed Tape Measure

I don’t use a tape measure often (stop laughing, Mom), but when I do, I always have a moment of hesitation trying to set it up. The struggle is real, my friends.

Ambidextrous Can/Jar/Bottle Opener

Okay, this one is not specifically for lefties, but it can be helpful if you’re sharing a house with righties!

Hope all of my lefties have a great Left Handers Day!

Posted in Humor

Indecision 2016

After a ten-year long campaign season, it’s finally Election Day! Thank goodness! This seems like one of the most polarizing elections that I can remember, and I’ll be glad when one of these pitiful candidates is declared the winner and we can go back to debating how early is too early to decorate for Christmas.

Since this has been such a ridiculous election, I have some responses for those of you who have been asked who you voted for. You’re welcome.

  • I voted for the one who has an N in his or her first or last name.
  • I voted for the one who has an unflattering hairstyle.
  • I voted for the one who has a daughter with two children.
  • I voted for the one who has a bland running mate.
  • I voted for the one who was born in the late 1940s.
  • I voted for the one who has lived in New York.
  • I voted for the one who is right-handed.
  • I voted for the one who people don’t like.
  • I voted for the one who has a scandal in his or her background.
  • I voted for the one who likes to wear suits.
  • I voted for the one who has been parodied on Saturday Night Live.
  • I voted for the one who has been on the Jimmy Kimmel Show.
  • I voted for the one who has been on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.
  • I voted for the one who has written a book.
  • I voted for the one who has more money in his or her bank account than I do.

Good luck candidates…I guess one of you has to win. Sigh.

 

Posted in Humor

Airing of Grievances

Everyone knows that Christmas is on Friday, December 25 this year, but not as many people may know that the “holiday” of Festivus occurs on Wednesday, December 23 this year. If you’re not familiar with Festivus, then you need to go watch the episode of Seinfeld right now. I’ll hang out here and wait for you to come back…

Okay, now that you know what I’m talking about, time to dive in.

Part of Festivus involves airing your grievances, so I’m going to air mine and hopefully all of you reading will chime in with yours too.

Grievance 0.5: This isn’t on our mantle right now

Grievance 1: Kmart

Kmart, you are officially the absolute worst store on the planet. You gave an online order that I was picking up for someone to a complete stranger who didn’t even have the same last name as me. You made my pregnant self stand there for over an hour while your employees tried to figure out what was going on and simultaneously complain about how much they hate working retail. You gave me a $10 gift card after my complaining, and you’d better believe that went into the diaper money stash, but after that, you will never see me again.

Grievance 2: Warm weather at Christmas 

Mother Nature, you have lost your mind. I’m not a fan of winter at all, but Christmas is the one time of year that we need cold weather. “Let it Rain” just doesn’t have the same ring as “Let it Snow.” “Baby, It’s Unseasonably Warm Outside” will never be the hit that “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is. Give us some cold weather for a few days, then be as crazy as you want to be.

Grievance 3: My laptop

I’ve had this laptop since I started my second grad program in 2010 (uh, I think that’s when it was. All of the years blend together sometimes…). It’s functional but terrible. The keys stick, the Internet goes in and out, and sometimes it just randomly shuts itself off. Your days are numbered…you know, after we reach our savings goal for a new computer…

Grievance 4: People who let their dogs run around in other people’s yards

Both of our immediate neighbors let their dogs run around in their yards, but I’m not completely sure that the dogs know where their yards end and ours begins. We have a dog, so I’m not really concerned about them ruining our yards in any way, but when I take our 70 pound dog out on his leash and those little yipping terrors are running around, it can become a not-so-fun game of tug-of-war as I try to keep him from dragging us over to them. Keep your dogs leashed, people!

Grievance 5: People who throw their trash/cigarette butts in your yard

Why thank you for leaving us an apple core, a honey bun wrapper, and a movie ticket stub. Sounds like someone had a wild night.

Grievance 6: Anyone who complains about ridiculous things like their laptop or a national store chain when they have so many things to be thankful for

I’ll show myself to the door now.

Have any grievances to air? Share them!

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Posted in Humor

Three Things That Bother Me About Star Wars

Lego R2D2 on a flat surface

Today is Star Wars Day (“May the Fourth be with you” for all of you who are lost…). I just so happen to be married to someone who LOVES Star Wars, so in theory this should be an extra special day in our house…

…except that it’s not. Much to his chagrin, I’m not a huge Star Wars fan. Actually, I’m not even really a medium fan either. I know, I know. God has such a sense of humor, right? 😉 I figured out that there are three things that bother me about Star Wars:

1. It’s. So. Confusing: Multiple planets, alien races, names that sound like the babbling noises that babies make…all of these things add up to one confusing jumble in my brain. My poor husband has attempted to explain things to me, and sometimes I even attempt to understand what he’s saying, but for the most part, I’m usually lost when it comes to anything Star Wars related (except for my killer Yoda impression. That, I can nail).

2. The length of the movies: I have the attention span of a gnat sometimes (thanks, Mom), so anytime a movie is over an hour-and-a-half long and doesn’t have Will Ferrell in it (#classy), then I have a hard time following along and paying attention to it. I may have fallen asleep in the theater during the first Hobbit movie for this very reason. Throw in confusion on top of a long movie, and I am just done.

3. Chewbacca: Don’t get me wrong, I think Chewbacca is adorable (which is probably exactly what they were going for), and I like to practice my Chewbacca noises (not on par with my Yoda impression…yet), but I know he has to smell like a cross between wet dog and spoiled milk. That fur is probably pretty matted too. Maybe Harrison Ford will give him a bath in the new movie. I think that’s why he felt the need to mention that he and Chewie were home. Home = bath time. I’m not the only one who has thought about his stench before either.

Phew. It feels good to confess these things. Tell me- are you a Star Wars fanatic, or could you think of at least ten more things to add to my list? Let me know either way- I could use some friends here…or my husband could use some people to see the new movie with in December!