Posted in Humor

Three Reasons Why I Will Never Be the POTUS

Since today is Presidents’ Day, I thought I would talk about three reasons why I will never be the President of the United States (AKA POTUS – I wanted to make my title slightly shorter).

I’m a firm believer that I can do anything that I want to do. I’m also a firm believer that our country needs a female president. However, I am not the right woman for the job for three reasons.

First, it just seems boring to me. When I’ve served on boards or committees related to my job and had to attend day-long meetings, I’ve been so bored! I can’t focus on those things very long, so I end up zoning out and missing half of the topics that are being discussed. That’s fine for a library meeting, but it is not fine at all for meetings that relate to diplomatic relations, the national budget, or any of the other 25 million meetings that the President has to attend. The meetings are probably just one boring aspect of the job too. I imagine that giving the State of the Union isn’t very exciting either!

No White House for me.png
Not my future home!

Second, I would use my power for my own benefit, rather than to benefit our country. DC seems cold and snowy? Well, this will be a perfect time for me to hop on Air Force One and hit the beach. I’m sure that I probably couldn’t actually do something that extreme, but I would try to milk it whenever I could. I would demand to have free stuff sent to me. I would want amusement parks shut down for my friends and family to visit. I would be the most obnoxious person ever!

Finally, I have no desire to be scrutinized! Yeah, I blog and put part of my life out there, but there is no part of me that wants to be famous…or infamous! It doesn’t matter which party a candidate represents – both major party candidates are picked apart. Their appearance, their words, their background – nothing is safe! Dude, sometimes I just want to run to the dollar store in a stained sweatshirt and sweatpants that don’t fit me too well. If I was a presidential candidate (and couldn’t convince anyone to do that for me…see above about abusing my power), then I would constantly be featured in tabloids and on the news for doing terrible things like that!

My hat is off to whoever can withstand those challenges, plus the billion other ones that I haven’t even thought of. I know that we will have a female president in my lifetime, but it definitely won’t be this girl! I’m too busy eating ice cream in my stained sweatshirt to even think about having a political career!

Would you ever want to hold a political office? Leave me a comment and let me know why or why not!

Posted in Humor

Would You Rather?

  • Fight a horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
  • Only get to watch one TV show or only get to read one book for the rest of your life?
  • Always be 10 minutes late or 20 minutes early?
  • Be able to breathe underwater or be able to fly?
  • Your shirts always be two sizes too big or one size too small?
  • Give up bathing for a month or give up Internet for a month?
  • Live next door to your mortal enemy or live on a different continent than your best friend?
  • Be free from junk mail or free from spam email?
  • Be stuck on an elevator with someone with bad breath that won’t stop talking or someone with really strong perfume/cologne who keeps reapplying it?
  • Give up fruit or give up vegetables?

My answers:

  1. Horse-sized duck…and I’ll bring a huge piece of bread!
  2. One TV show! I can’t imagine only getting one book for the rest of my life!!
  3. Uh, well since I’m usually at least 10 minutes late, let’s go with the early one.
  4. Fly!!
  5. Two sizes too big for sure. Wearing clothes that are too small is so uncomfortable!
  6. Internet!! What kind of twisted question is this?!?
  7. Different continent because then I would have an excuse to travel!
  8. Free from junk mail – email spam filters are much better than having to constantly go through physical junk mail.
  9. Perfume/cologne. I think the bad breath would make me sick!
  10. Yikes! I guess I would reluctantly say fruit. Bye, watermelon.

Leave a comment and let me know your answers!

Posted in Humor, life

Weird and Wonderful Gifts for the Lefty in Your Life

This post contains affiliate links. Want to know what that means? Read my disclosure policy for the details.

August 13 is International Left Hander’s Day. In my shameless attempt to always get free things, I’ve put together a handy little guide of gift ideas for your favorite lefty…

Screenshot of Ned Flander's store the Leftorium from the Simpsons TV show
If this store was real, then this post wouldn’t have to exist.

Left Handed Ballpoint Pens

These are angled and supposed to eliminate that annoying smearing and hand staining that a lot of pens cause. Let’s hear it for clean hands!

A notebook for lefties!

No more getting ridges on your hand/arm from the spiral of traditional notebooks. Between this and the pens, writing may actually be comfortable again!

Majestic Unicorn T-Shirt

I always knew that I was a majestic unicorn, and this shirt confirms it…

Left Handed Scissors

I’m going to be honest – unless I try these out, I’m not sure how they’ll differ from regular scissors. Then again, my brain is tired, so I could be missing something completely obvious here!

Left Handed Tape Measure

I don’t use a tape measure often (stop laughing, Mom), but when I do, I always have a moment of hesitation trying to set it up. The struggle is real, my friends.

Ambidextrous Can/Jar/Bottle Opener

Okay, this one is not specifically for lefties, but it can be helpful if you’re sharing a house with righties!

Hope all of my lefties have a great Left Handers Day!

Posted in Humor

Indecision 2016

After a ten-year long campaign season, it’s finally Election Day! Thank goodness! This seems like one of the most polarizing elections that I can remember, and I’ll be glad when one of these pitiful candidates is declared the winner and we can go back to debating how early is too early to decorate for Christmas.

Since this has been such a ridiculous election, I have some responses for those of you who have been asked who you voted for. You’re welcome.

  • I voted for the one who has an N in his or her first or last name.
  • I voted for the one who has an unflattering hairstyle.
  • I voted for the one who has a daughter with two children.
  • I voted for the one who has a bland running mate.
  • I voted for the one who was born in the late 1940s.
  • I voted for the one who has lived in New York.
  • I voted for the one who is right-handed.
  • I voted for the one who people don’t like.
  • I voted for the one who has a scandal in his or her background.
  • I voted for the one who likes to wear suits.
  • I voted for the one who has been parodied on Saturday Night Live.
  • I voted for the one who has been on the Jimmy Kimmel Show.
  • I voted for the one who has been on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.
  • I voted for the one who has written a book.
  • I voted for the one who has more money in his or her bank account than I do.

Good luck candidates…I guess one of you has to win. Sigh.


Posted in Humor

Airing of Grievances

Everyone knows that Christmas is on Friday, December 25 this year, but not as many people may know that the “holiday” of Festivus occurs on Wednesday, December 23 this year. If you’re not familiar with Festivus, then you need to go watch the episode of Seinfeld right now. I’ll hang out here and wait for you to come back…

Okay, now that you know what I’m talking about, time to dive in.

Part of Festivus involves airing your grievances, so I’m going to air mine and hopefully all of you reading will chime in with yours too.

Grievance 0.5: This isn’t on our mantle right now

Grievance 1: Kmart

Kmart, you are officially the absolute worst store on the planet. You gave an online order that I was picking up for someone to a complete stranger who didn’t even have the same last name as me. You made my pregnant self stand there for over an hour while your employees tried to figure out what was going on and simultaneously complain about how much they hate working retail. You gave me a $10 gift card after my complaining, and you’d better believe that went into the diaper money stash, but after that, you will never see me again.

Grievance 2: Warm weather at Christmas 

Mother Nature, you have lost your mind. I’m not a fan of winter at all, but Christmas is the one time of year that we need cold weather. “Let it Rain” just doesn’t have the same ring as “Let it Snow.” “Baby, It’s Unseasonably Warm Outside” will never be the hit that “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is. Give us some cold weather for a few days, then be as crazy as you want to be.

Grievance 3: My laptop

I’ve had this laptop since I started my second grad program in 2010 (uh, I think that’s when it was. All of the years blend together sometimes…). It’s functional but terrible. The keys stick, the Internet goes in and out, and sometimes it just randomly shuts itself off. Your days are numbered…you know, after we reach our savings goal for a new computer…

Grievance 4: People who let their dogs run around in other people’s yards

Both of our immediate neighbors let their dogs run around in their yards, but I’m not completely sure that the dogs know where their yards end and ours begins. We have a dog, so I’m not really concerned about them ruining our yards in any way, but when I take our 70 pound dog out on his leash and those little yipping terrors are running around, it can become a not-so-fun game of tug-of-war as I try to keep him from dragging us over to them. Keep your dogs leashed, people!

Grievance 5: People who throw their trash/cigarette butts in your yard

Why thank you for leaving us an apple core, a honey bun wrapper, and a movie ticket stub. Sounds like someone had a wild night.

Grievance 6: Anyone who complains about ridiculous things like their laptop or a national store chain when they have so many things to be thankful for

I’ll show myself to the door now.

Have any grievances to air? Share them!

Disclosure: I use affiliate links. Purchasing an item via an affiliate link doesn’t cost anything extra for you, but it will give us a few cents to go towards diapers and superhero onesies.