in mortality, sadness

In Memory

Tuesday’s post was inspired by my grandmother, Sandi. Unfortunately, she lost her battle with cancer Tuesday night. The last time I saw her was in July, when she and my grandpa came to my parents’ house for my 30th birthday party. She seemed like her old self, at least in the few minutes that I got to talk to her before flitting about to talk to others. I didn’t think it would be the last time I saw her.

When I heard that she was getting sicker, I always intended to visit. At first, I didn’t want to visit because of various sicknesses through the fall and the fear of bringing germs into their house. Then, as she took a turn for the worse, I didn’t want to visit because I was scared. Scared may seem like an odd emotion, but understand, I’ve never really been near anyone in their final stages of life. I’ve had relatives pass away, and I’ve been around them in the hospital or nursing home when they were near the end, but this was different, this was in her home. There was just something different and overwhelming and scary about seeing someone like that in their home. And, to be honest, I was scared of seeing my grandpa and my aunts and not being able to hold it together, not knowing what to even say or how to act or what to do.

I know all of these things seem inconsequential, and maybe this is just a chance for me to clear my mind. I think ultimately I wanted to remember her as she was when I was growing up. She wasn’t just my grandmother; she was also the mother of my childhood best friend, my aunt Ashlee. We lived next door to one another for a while, so we were usually at one another’s house. I’m sure we fought, and I’m sure she had to discipline us, but I can’t ever remember her being anything other than loving towards us.

I could have been a better granddaughter. I could have done a lot of things. This chapter is finished, but there are many more to be written. I’ve got a lot of questions and thoughts about my future and what I’m doing in my life. I’ve had these things running through my brain for a while, but I think this has spurred them up towards the surface again. I hope that all of you take the time to give your loved ones a hug and let them know how much you love them. I know that can be said so often that it becomes sappy and corny, but it’s so true.

Granny Sandi, I know you’re watching all of us, and I know you and Shirlee are probably having the best reunion ever…and causing a little bit of trouble! I love you.

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