You’re speaking my language

Today, a work friend stopped by to visit because she said she needed a break from some stress, and she knew I would be funny. (#humblebrag but not really humble…just brag…). While she was there, she inadvertently told me about a website that I will now use forever to torture people – funtranslations. There are over 50 different types of translations on the site. I won’t talk about all of them here, but I thought it would be fun (for me at least…) to translate some things for your reading enjoyment.

Original, American English sentence : Why are you making me think this late at night? Please note, that I asked Will to help me think of a sentence, and this is his contribution. Joke’s on you, sucker, because I’m using this one!

Pirate SpeakWhy be ye makin’ me think this late at night? 

Shakespearean English Wherefore art thou making me bethink this late at night?

LOLCat Speak y r u makin meh finks dis laet at niet?

Star Wars Huttese LanguageWhy are u making je tinka this alay at night?

Minions Speak : o ka nama to kashah me pensa ba lubo ka nokka?

Morse Code : .– …. -.–     .- .-. .     -.– — ..-     — .- -.- .. -. –.     — .     – …. .. -. -.-     – …. .. …     .-.. .- – .     .- –     -. .. –. …. – (and it will play it back for you!)

Binary01010111 01101000 01111001 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01101011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101100 01100001 01110100 01100101 00100000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101110 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 

 

This is just a small sample of what they have. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I will enjoy sending annoying texts and emails to people I know! 😉

Indecision 2016

After a ten-year long campaign season, it’s finally Election Day! Thank goodness! This seems like one of the most polarizing elections that I can remember, and I’ll be glad when one of these pitiful candidates is declared the winner and we can go back to debating how early is too early to decorate for Christmas.

Since this has been such a ridiculous election, I have some responses for those of you who have been asked who you voted for. You’re welcome.

  • I voted for the one who has an N in his or her first or last name.
  • I voted for the one who has an unflattering hairstyle.
  • I voted for the one who has a daughter with two children.
  • I voted for the one who has a bland running mate.
  • I voted for the one who was born in the late 1940s.
  • I voted for the one who has lived in New York.
  • I voted for the one who is right-handed.
  • I voted for the one who people don’t like.
  • I voted for the one who has a scandal in his or her background.
  • I voted for the one who likes to wear suits.
  • I voted for the one who has been parodied on Saturday Night Live.
  • I voted for the one who has been on the Jimmy Kimmel Show.
  • I voted for the one who has been on the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.
  • I voted for the one who has written a book.
  • I voted for the one who has more money in his or her bank account than I do.

Good luck candidates…I guess one of you has to win. Sigh.

 

Airing of Grievances

Everyone knows that Christmas is on Friday, December 25 this year, but not as many people may know that the “holiday” of Festivus occurs on Wednesday, December 23 this year. If you’re not familiar with Festivus, then you need to go watch the episode of Seinfeld right now. I’ll hang out here and wait for you to come back…

Okay, now that you know what I’m talking about, time to dive in.

Part of Festivus involves airing your grievances, so I’m going to air mine and hopefully all of you reading will chime in with yours too.

Grievance 0.5: This isn’t on our mantle right now

Grievance 1: Kmart

Kmart, you are officially the absolute worst store on the planet. You gave an online order that I was picking up for someone to a complete stranger who didn’t even have the same last name as me. You made my pregnant self stand there for over an hour while your employees tried to figure out what was going on and simultaneously complain about how much they hate working retail. You gave me a $10 gift card after my complaining, and you’d better believe that went into the diaper money stash, but after that, you will never see me again.

Grievance 2: Warm weather at Christmas 

Mother Nature, you have lost your mind. I’m not a fan of winter at all, but Christmas is the one time of year that we need cold weather. “Let it Rain” just doesn’t have the same ring as “Let it Snow.” “Baby, It’s Unseasonably Warm Outside” will never be the hit that “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is. Give us some cold weather for a few days, then be as crazy as you want to be.

Grievance 3: My laptop

I’ve had this laptop since I started my second grad program in 2010 (uh, I think that’s when it was. All of the years blend together sometimes…). It’s functional but terrible. The keys stick, the Internet goes in and out, and sometimes it just randomly shuts itself off. Your days are numbered…you know, after we reach our savings goal for a new computer…

Grievance 4: People who let their dogs run around in other people’s yards

Both of our immediate neighbors let their dogs run around in their yards, but I’m not completely sure that the dogs know where their yards end and ours begins. We have a dog, so I’m not really concerned about them ruining our yards in any way, but when I take our 70 pound dog out on his leash and those little yipping terrors are running around, it can become a not-so-fun game of tug-of-war as I try to keep him from dragging us over to them. Keep your dogs leashed, people!

Grievance 5: People who throw their trash/cigarette butts in your yard

Why thank you for leaving us an apple core, a honey bun wrapper, and a movie ticket stub. Sounds like someone had a wild night.

Grievance 6: Anyone who complains about ridiculous things like their laptop or a national store chain when they have so many things to be thankful for

I’ll show myself to the door now.

Have any grievances to air? Share them!

Disclosure: I use affiliate links. Purchasing an item via an affiliate link doesn’t cost anything extra for you, but it will give us a few cents to go towards diapers and superhero onesies.

Things that have made me cry lately

Pregnancy hormones are real. I’ve always been, shall we say, a touch emotional, but now the most random things set me off. I started keeping a list of bizarre things that made me cry, and as you can read below, there are some weird ones!

Things that have made me cry:

  • Publix deli not selling steak and cheese subs
  • Having the girl in the deli tell me that roast beef was “pretty much the same thing” as steak (NO IT’S NOT, PUBLIX DELI GIRL. NO IT’S NOT)
  • Spending money on subs at Publix since we had just gone grocery shopping a couple of days before
  • Marcus Mariota (the Tennessee Titans quarterback) running onto the field at the beginning of a game
  • A clip of a game when the Oakland Raiders won
  • A story about Einstein’s mother
  • Having the eye doctor tell me that my blood sugar may be high
  • The season premiere of The Flash television show
  • Seeing how much weight John Goodman has lost
  • Ross on Friends finding out that he’s having a son
  • Rachel and Ross kissing for the first time on Friends
  • Ross’ son saying his first word on Friends (okay, I’ve been on a Friends kick lately)
  • A cartoon picture of an abandoned dog
  • Hearing aids for American Girl dolls
  • A medicine commercial where a dog and cat look like words
  • The Acura commercial where the crash test dummies look like real people at first



Things that have not made me cry:

  • Hearing the heartbeat for the first time
  • Our gender scan ultrasound and finding out that we’re having a GIRL!

Girl

I’m sure there are more ridiculous things that will make me lose it between now and April! What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever cried about?

Five ways we’re preparing for having kids

Amber note: In case you missed the news, I just so happen to be pregnant again! I’m due in April, and we’ve already heard the heartbeat and made it to the second trimester, so we’re much more hopeful after what happened earlier this year. I started writing the post below before I knew I was pregnant again, so some things are a little “off” (like the intro below our announcement picture and #2), but I had to share this. Plus, I haven’t blogged in about 43 years, so it was time to post again…

It seems that when you are in a certain age range and you have been married for more than two days, you begin to receive questions about when you are planning to add to the earth’s population. As someone who tends to over prepare and over analyze things, I decided that we needed to do a few things to prepare for our future child(ren), so here are five ways we’re preparing for having kids:

1. By having a dog: Everyone says that having a dog is practice for having children. My mother-in-law calls dogs “two year olds who never grow up.” After I spend any time around a two-year-old child, I totally agree. Sorry to anyone who happens to have a two-year-old child…

2. By gaining weight: I’m just getting my body used to being large and in charge.

3. By having a messy house: I’ve never been a neat freak, and my husband isn’t either, so our house is, shall we say, lived in. All we need to do is add a layer of kid’s toys and some smushed up baby snacks (that is, if the dogger doesn’t get to them as soon as they hit the floor), and our house will be completely child ready.

4. By not sleeping enough: My husband has to be at work between 4 AM and 5:30 AM, depending on their volume. Not has to get up at 4 AM but has to be in the door, clocked in, ready to work, etc by 4 AM. That means he gets up at 3 something. In order for him to be a functioning human being, he needs to go to bed no later than 8 o’clock. We do pretty good at getting to bed early sometimes, but most of the time we’re up too late. Also, once he’s up, there’s a 50% chance that I’ll get up too because I just can’t get back to sleep. We’re going to just start setting alarms to go off every two hours to really shake things up and get ourselves prepared for those middle of the night feedings, diaper changes, and all of the other fun things that babies decide to do instead of sleeping.

5. By constantly spilling things on myself: I want to see what it will be like to have mystery stains, like spit up, all over myself all day, so I’m spilling things on my shirt just to make sure I’m ready for the fun of having clothes that aren’t clean. I’ve also been spilling things in my hair (talent) just for good measure.

Any suggestions on how we can prepare ourselves?