Things that have made me cry lately

Pregnancy hormones are real. I’ve always been, shall we say, a touch emotional, but now the most random things set me off. I started keeping a list of bizarre things that made me cry, and as you can read below, there are some weird ones!

Things that have made me cry:

  • Publix deli not selling steak and cheese subs
  • Having the girl in the deli tell me that roast beef was “pretty much the same thing” as steak (NO IT’S NOT, PUBLIX DELI GIRL. NO IT’S NOT)
  • Spending money on subs at Publix since we had just gone grocery shopping a couple of days before
  • Marcus Mariota (the Tennessee Titans quarterback) running onto the field at the beginning of a game
  • A clip of a game when the Oakland Raiders won
  • A story about Einstein’s mother
  • Having the eye doctor tell me that my blood sugar may be high
  • The season premiere of The Flash television show
  • Seeing how much weight John Goodman has lost
  • Ross on Friends finding out that he’s having a son
  • Rachel and Ross kissing for the first time on Friends
  • Ross’ son saying his first word on Friends (okay, I’ve been on a Friends kick lately)
  • A cartoon picture of an abandoned dog
  • Hearing aids for American Girl dolls
  • A medicine commercial where a dog and cat look like words
  • The Acura commercial where the crash test dummies look like real people at first



Things that have not made me cry:

  • Hearing the heartbeat for the first time
  • Our gender scan ultrasound and finding out that we’re having a GIRL!

Girl

I’m sure there are more ridiculous things that will make me lose it between now and April! What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever cried about?

Five ways we’re preparing for having kids

Amber note: In case you missed the news, I just so happen to be pregnant again! I’m due in April, and we’ve already heard the heartbeat and made it to the second trimester, so we’re much more hopeful after what happened earlier this year. I started writing the post below before I knew I was pregnant again, so some things are a little “off” (like the intro below our announcement picture and #2), but I had to share this. Plus, I haven’t blogged in about 43 years, so it was time to post again…

It seems that when you are in a certain age range and you have been married for more than two days, you begin to receive questions about when you are planning to add to the earth’s population. As someone who tends to over prepare and over analyze things, I decided that we needed to do a few things to prepare for our future child(ren), so here are five ways we’re preparing for having kids:

1. By having a dog: Everyone says that having a dog is practice for having children. My mother-in-law calls dogs “two year olds who never grow up.” After I spend any time around a two-year-old child, I totally agree. Sorry to anyone who happens to have a two-year-old child…

2. By gaining weight: I’m just getting my body used to being large and in charge.

3. By having a messy house: I’ve never been a neat freak, and my husband isn’t either, so our house is, shall we say, lived in. All we need to do is add a layer of kid’s toys and some smushed up baby snacks (that is, if the dogger doesn’t get to them as soon as they hit the floor), and our house will be completely child ready.

4. By not sleeping enough: My husband has to be at work between 4 AM and 5:30 AM, depending on their volume. Not has to get up at 4 AM but has to be in the door, clocked in, ready to work, etc by 4 AM. That means he gets up at 3 something. In order for him to be a functioning human being, he needs to go to bed no later than 8 o’clock. We do pretty good at getting to bed early sometimes, but most of the time we’re up too late. Also, once he’s up, there’s a 50% chance that I’ll get up too because I just can’t get back to sleep. We’re going to just start setting alarms to go off every two hours to really shake things up and get ourselves prepared for those middle of the night feedings, diaper changes, and all of the other fun things that babies decide to do instead of sleeping.

5. By constantly spilling things on myself: I want to see what it will be like to have mystery stains, like spit up, all over myself all day, so I’m spilling things on my shirt just to make sure I’m ready for the fun of having clothes that aren’t clean. I’ve also been spilling things in my hair (talent) just for good measure.

Any suggestions on how we can prepare ourselves?

A bittersweet Father’s Day

On May 2, we found out that we were going to have a baby. On June 18, we found out that we were not.

We were shocked and devastated. Until earlier that day, neither  of us had a clue that anything was even remotely wrong. Even in the car on the way to the ER, we tried to remain positive, reassuring ourselves that it was going to be okay, that the baby just didn’t like what I had for lunch, and talking about what features from each of us we hoped it would have when it was born in January.

When I checked in at the desk, the nurse assured me that a lot of women bled when they were pregnant and it turned out okay. I believed her because I had no other choice but to believe that everything was going to be okay. Even when I had to go by myself with Edward the ultrasound tech who knew that I was scared but couldn’t tell me anything, I tried to think that his silence while moving the wand around meant anything but the worst.

Around three hours after we arrived at the ER, they finally had a room ready for me. My husband, mom, and I went back there, and I got hooked up to an IV while we waited for a doctor to come in. When he came in, his face said it all. We had lost the baby.

The word miscarriage is so bizarre. It almost seems like you’ve misplaced something. In no way does it sound like your body rejected this tiny life inside of you for reasons that you’ll never know. It needs to be called something else. It needs a word that will describe the shock, horror, and pain that you and all of your loved ones feel when you find out that it has happened.

The doctor explained everything to us as best as he could. It’s a more common occurrence than I realized. He told us not to blame ourselves because these things just happen. It’s hard not to blame myself. I catch myself thinking that maybe if I had taken better care of myself and not eaten so many sweets or drank coffee or eaten gummy vitamins or skimped on eating vegetables or any number of random things, that maybe we would still have a baby. But, thinking like that doesn’t help anything, and I have to stop myself when I start down that path.

We have received such an outpouring of love from our family and friends. We have cried and laughed and cried some more and will continue to do so. We have written a final entry in our baby journal and then left our house just to escape the heavy sadness that we felt after we closed the book. We have talked about how it may have been better that this happened rather than having a baby born who was in pain because of genetic abnormalities. All of these things have helped, but they still don’t erase the pain.

We are relatively private people, and I debated about whether or not to share all of this with such a wide audience, many of whom didn’t even know that we had ever seen that little plus sign on a test. I finally decided to write it and hit publish for a few reasons. First, just to thank everyone who has been there for us. Whether it was staying in the ER with us the entire time, bringing us food the next day, or just texting, emailing, or calling us to check in, please know that all of those things meant so much to us. Second, since we had told several people about our happy news, it seemed like the easiest way to share our sad news. We have been talking about it to each other and others, but we feel like to start our healing process, it will be easier not to talk about it as much. Third, we are of the age where there will be sweet but misguided people asking us when we’re planning to have kids. Trust us, we would give anything to be having this one. Finally, since I know several other women who have gone through this trauma, I just wanted to reach out and say that I love you all.

Will and I have talked a little bit about what our future plans are. For now, we just want to get through this week and the doctor’s appointments that I’ll have to determine how my body is healing. We do want a child or children, and we will have them, but it’s to be determined whether they will be carried by me or another woman. Either way, we will love them, spoil them, and someday, tell them about their older brother or sister who is hanging out in Heaven waiting on all of us.

Parents, take a minute and give your children an extra hug for us. I know that sometimes you may think your children are terrors (okay, we’ve met some of your kids and they really are…), but know that the fact that they are here where you can hug them is such a blessing. For any of you who have lost children, either before or after they were born, know that you’re in our hearts and prayers. To our families and friends, thank you, thank you, thank you. This will eventually get easier for us, but just knowing that you are there means the world to us.

Tomorrow we will celebrate Father’s Day, and although we are not celebrating it for the same reasons we had planned to, I know that someday we will, and for that reason, we have hope for the future.